she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
