please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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