she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
