party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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