Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
