Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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