I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
