Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
