i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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