R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Did I show you my penis last night?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My vagina just clenched in fear
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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