You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
