Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
