I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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