i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
