Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
