just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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