dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
