Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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