She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
