Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
