Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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