Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
