Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
