Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize