the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
