So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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