Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
