I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
