I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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