you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Two words: blizzard sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
