I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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