It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
