There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
