fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
