So gin and wine won't be happening again
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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