wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
