I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
