The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
