I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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