At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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