Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
