hotel room ftw
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
