Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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