BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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