John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
