i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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