i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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