Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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