I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
