i can't believe i had my finger in that
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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