Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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