i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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