operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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