I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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