Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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