I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
