the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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