The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
