Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
