you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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