Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize